building my kingdom...

today was a good day...i got a lot of "busy-work" stuff done that i have been wanting to get done for awhile...i downloaded a bunch of pics from my cf cards to my computer...i worked on my website...i sent out info for mission concord...i picked up t-shirts and work on some design stuff for them...i made an audio track to accompany my ciy message...i did two more loads of laundry...i vacuumed...i did dishes...and i made taco salad...wow...now i'm tired since i see it all written down...

i am finishing up everything for my ciy speaking engagement...i'm pretty excited about it...its kind of a dream realized for me...i know it might not seem like a big deal at all to some people...but it is to me...conference speaking is something i have been thinking about and praying about for some time now...and now i get a chance to do it...i spent some time praying today...one of the big things that i am going to be hitting is materialism...the rich young ruler story...i guess one of the things that i am going to be hitting hardest is the "ruler" part of that story...i am going to be talking about how so many times we are trying to build our kingdoms...instead of being a servant in god's kingdom...i had some good prayer time today where god was speaking to me directly about my own actions in this...how i am building my own kingdom...and how so many of my decisions are not based on serving god...but instead on how i can strengthen and further my own influence...

i love it when i am preparing for a message and god speaks to me...when i grow as a result of my preparations to help others grow...i hope this continues to happen...

the woman at the well...

today was another great day at fusion...we're still in our series "defining moments"...we're looking at biblical examples of people who have had defining moments and how they handled them...i have felt since this series began that it had potential for really great things in our kids lives...i don't really know why...i just know that as i research and study for each message i feel god working in my own life...i feel like he is making things clearer and clearer to me about so many things...about who he is...about who he wants me to be...about how to reach the kids...about who he wants them to be...i guess what i would say is this...i feel like my leadership has been more connected to god's leading during this series...sometimes i think that i am a pretty talented person in some situations...in relationships in particular...and so then i often forget to let god lead...i lead on my own...that's what it is...i lead to often on my own...and right now i feel like i am being submissive...i am presenting god's word with more purity...and i think we're starting to see the work of the spirit in our group...good good stuff...

today was the story of the woman at the well...i learned a lot...i had always read this story with the wrong eyes...i pictured this meek woman sitting at a well...then jesus walks up...she immediately is so thankful and humble before him...and she is blessed...but as i researched...i realized that this is not at all how it happened...she was hardened...she was bitter...she was challenging...and she was anything but humble...then jesus humbled her...he broke her...probably a difficult, hurtful brokenness...but he did it anyway...and then he healed her...and she was so blown away by it all...she ran and told everyone...i talked today about how this is our response when we really believe jesus is who he says he is...we go tell...we run...we speak...loud...but not until we really believe jesus is who he says he is...

ciy was a really great week...i had a lot of fun with the kids...i loved...absolutely loved...seeing our kids break down walls and start to open up...to each other...to god...to being led...it was good...i needed it, to be honest...i sometimes get in a spot where i start to doubt...where i get frustrated...or where i just get tired...and this week was worth it all...very little frustration...saw some success with some kids...which removed doubt...and even with the lack of sleep...i was energized...

definitely tired today though...i slept for three hours this afternoon...then golfed...then sat and stared at a wall...tired...sleep...more tomorrow...

still at ciy...
the week has been really good so far...the theme is "this is me"...i guess how i would explain it is this...its all about who god is...the first night was "i am love"...last night was "i am grace"...tonight is "i am here"...each day there are d-group lessons and classes that are built around this theme...and then each night there is an awesome celebration service that caps it all off...last night was great...CONFRONTATION...at the very the service began by singing "amazing grace"...then after they started the students focusing on this...they challenged them to think about what they needed that grace for...it was powerful...in our youth group time after the main session we had some very honest conversation...i think there is more to come...i think there are some that are holding back...i know that there are some that god still wants to have more of...and i'm praying for them...but overall...our group is being changed...so far, three people are wanting to be baptized...about 7 more are renewing committments to christ...and one guy...the most honest one all night, i think...said..."i hear everyone talking about being connected with god...i dont get it...but i want it"...i'm workin on that one fo sho...haha...tonight will be more i think...deeper...more real...more submission...and they love it!...which is cool...

ciy, here we come...

i had a great weekend...performed jessica herzing and david rays wedding...it was a really great time...i dont typically do weddings...student ministries pastor and all...but this was really great...such an honor...got to take my friend cheryl back to the airport and have some good conversation...cheryl...from EEEEEEEngland...well, not anymore...cheryl...from CLEARRRRRRRWater...just doesn't have the same ring...anyway...thanks for the chat time, cheryl...

so we leave for ciy this morning...i'm a bit nervous...things came together way too easily...awesome group of kids...good help...i know i've said it on here before...but i am anticipating great things...i'm hoping to have access to wifi so i can update and let you all know how it is going...(you all...actually, i dont think anyone reads this...haha...oh well)...so gotta go get ready to speak at fusion and then hop on outta hea...

prayers are appreciated...prayer for me leading this group...patience, sleep, energy...all the normal leadership requirements...prayer for the kids...deeply intense god moments...that what i want for them...and stinkin awesome memories...so thanks in advance for the prayers...

to answer my own question...
i've decided that mt. vernon is definitely blog-worthy...haha...i feel like its a rather unique place...i listen to people talk about the benefits of living in a more metro area...st. louis, chicago, l.a., etc...it sounds fun...but let me tell ya...there's nothin like great conversations with people you've known for years...history...it's depth...it's maturity...it's real...i think you can miss out on a lot of that in a huge metro area...mt. vernon has that for me...today was good times of connection with great friends...relationships that have history, depth, and maturity...talked to john from manchester...had coffee with cheryl from...well...from all over the freakin' world...(from EEEEENGLAND!)...reminisced with kids that have since grown up...good, good times...and in mt. vernon...

tomorrow...early to rise...fusion prep...ciy prep...wedding...airport trip...packing...and hopefully some sleep within that 24 hours...maybe...

mt. vernon...blog-worthy?...

i haven't posted very much since i got back from california...i guess for a couple of reasons...i've been very very busy...i think i've talked about this before on here...but i kinda need to whine a little...haha...i have been getting ready for ciy...we leave on sunday...i'm expecting a really good time there...the 5 years that i have been in youth ministry have taught me many things...but one of those is that there are certain groupings of people...certain combinations of people...that lead to great conversations, good fun, and lots of growth...i think that is something we're gonna experience this year at ciy...the group of kids i am taking are from lots of different social groups, towns, and schools...but they all seem to be pretty pumped about going...and i think there is going to be a lot of relational things happening in this group...

wow...i really dont think i know what i am talking about here...hahaha...i'm just excited and its a great group of kids...nough said...the other reason i havent written much is this...life seems so much more exciting when i'm traveling...between california, colorado, tennessee, and new hampshire...mt. vernon has a hard time seeming "blog-worthy"...haha...dont get me wrong...it feels like home and that feels good...in fact, i had my family over for dinner tonight to celebrate an early father's day...it was awesome...wouldn't trade it for the world...good food, good coffee, and good laughs...but i dont know...just not a whole lot exciting going on here...just the normal, everyday stuff...

i'm gonna try to blog more often...even as i type this i am realizing this...maybe a sign of maturity...of spiritual maturity even...is finding the exciting and "blog-worthiness" in the everyday, mundane life of mt. vernon, illinois...

defining moments...

today is gonna be an awsome day at fusion...honestly, i would say it is the most excited i've been about worship in a long time...why?...well, i don't really know...except that i would say that i have a sense of anticipation about today and this new series that we are starting...i guess because i feel like i have really been hearing god more clearly than i have in a long time...i dont really know why that is...maybe i have made more room for him...maybe he has drawn me a little closer...maybe the choices i've been making regarding temptation have cleared a path...whatever...i dont know...i just know it seems like i've gotten the red phone back...hahaha...(that was for you, cheryl...haha)...no, really, i just anticipate big big moments in fusion in the next few weeks...we're starting a new series i am calling "defining moments"...its all about those moments in time when you feel like you are on the brink...the brink of what could possibly be a life-changing decision...you're scared...you're unsure...you're feeling attacked...you know that something huge is about to happen...and you know there is the potential for greatness...i love those moments...especially when i dont screw them up...haha...i think my group needs to hear this...i think god is telling me they need to hear this...and i think he has told me what to say...that's why i'm excited...i'm in step...i'm in the zone...i'm locked and loaded...it's a defining moment for me...i'll let you know how it goes...

back in mt. vernon...

i'm finally back home...good stuff...my great friends, mandy and liza, picked me up at the airport tonight...fun times...we ran into kurt warner at the airport...he was cool...i reminded him of a time a few years ago when i met him and gave him my e-mail address...i told him my whole youth group was waiting for weeks to hear from him...and he never wrote...i locked eyes with him and gave him a really guilty look...then i had to laugh...he laughed too and said he was guilty...he apologized...i told him i was kidding and we shook hands...it was cool...liza and mandy were drooling...liza even told him he was hot...haha...dinner was great with them...there's nothing like good times with old friends...our other best friend, emily, is comin to the vern in about a month...we're all so pumped about that...woo hoo...

i unpacked...and started to get my life back in order...i have a really long day ahead of me tomorrow...fusion series to get ready for...didnt have much time to plan for it this past week...so thats on the agenda tomorrow...i'm ready to get back to the grind though...till next time...

classes over, a little relaxation...

today was the last day of class...this morning we covered the lord's supper as a sacrament...iteresting stuff...stuff to make you think...just not tonight...i dont have another ounce of academia in me...not one more ounce tonight...after class i came back to the hotel and went to the pool...unfirtunately the cloud cover never burned off and it was kinda cool...i finished my second book...a new author for me to read up on...stephen white..."the program"...great novel...i also read "rage" by jonathan kellerman while i was here...i love getting out of town if for no other reason than i get time to read...i love reading...good novels are the best...i'm going to try to make a regular practice of it more often at home...so after the book was completed i headed to dana point for dinner...its a place on the harbor i try to go to every time i am here...harpoon henry's...good shrimp...then to diedrich coffee...my favorite place in so cal...right across from main beach in laguna...got a decaf mocha and read some stuff for my ciy message...the lost message of jesus...not a real fun read...but good info that i am hoping i can integrate into my info for ciy...so its bedtime now...i cant wait to get home tomorrow night...do some laundry...sleep in my own bed...fix some real food...just be at home...and oliver...awesome...i really really cant wait...but its only for a week...then its back on the road...see ya in the vern...

tired and ready to go home...
its wednesday night...i've been here in so cal for 8 days now...2 more to go...it has been a good week...good info in classes...good times with classmates...good sun...good pool at the hotel...good sleep...good books...nothing really bad...sure, i wish i would have gotten some more work done...but after 8-12 hours of class everyday...lectures...reading...typing...discussing...learning...i just didnt have much energy in the evenings to get much of anything else done...tomorrow night before i head home i will be putting the finishing touches on the fusion message for this weekend...then i need to tackle my ciy message...i've been researching for it periodically...and i've started generating ideas...lots of flow happening...its time to make it concrete though...definitely time to do that...then i get to work on the ciy adult discipleship class i will be teaching this year...then i get to work on all the little minor details for taking my group to ciy and our mission trip...then i actually have to go on the trips...then...wow...ya, tonight...sleep...i'll tackle it all tomorrow...definitely ready to get home...definitely

the christian mission...

today we started a section of coursework called "missiology"...the study of the christian mission...not anything earth-shattering...but there was one section of the study that i found particularly interesting...did you know that this idea of going across the world to do mission work is really only about 200 years old?...i mean, when you stop to think about it, it makes sense...travel would be difficult...money would be an issue...and so on...but here's the real deal...most mission organizations use the matthew 28 passage that says "go and make disciples" as their foundation...they...and to be honest, me in the past...see the word "go" as the key word in this passage...we read it and feel like god is saying "hop on a plane...go to africa...and help people like the kid in this picture...and do it now"...at least i do sometimes...and i suspect that it is the misunderstanding of many mission organizations as well...

today in class, we had a presentation by doug preist...president of christian missionary foundation...the interesting thing he told us today, though, was that the above understanding of this scripture was incorrect...he stated that a more correct interpretation of the original text was "as you go through your life, make disciples"...he suggested that making disciples was the key part of the passage...not necessarily the going...he suggested that going was only part of the disciple-making process...along with baptizing and teaching...and going across sea or to another country or to another state...that was something that only some would be created to do...others would be created to make disciples as they go through med school and set up practice in iowa...other would be called to make disciples as they go about fixing cars at their auto repair shop in florida...and so on...

so i guess that's not the most "wowing" learning experience...but it was kinda important...i remember watching slide shows of visiting missionaries as they came home for r & r times...they usually stayed at our house for at least overnight since my dad was a minister...and i remember conversations over pizza after the sunday night missionary presentation...i remember being fascinated by their experiences...and frustrated by their intrusion into our home all at the same time...(even as i say that, i'm ashamed of it)...but most of all, i rememeber feeling guilty...i just remember feeling like i was a bad person because i wasn't going to go to africa or india or papua, new guinea after college...and i cant say that this new teaching today has really changed a whole lot of that...i dont know...

i remember hearing about the situation in sudan, africa a few years ago...my reaction was total shock...i could not believe that i had never heard anything about this horrible attrocity that was so real...i couldnt believe that i hadnt heard about the huge measures that our country wasnt taking to help...i couldnt believe that i hadnt heard a sermon on it...and as i researched...i became more and more offended and hurt and confused...but something else happened too...i felt like i needed to do something...and that excited me...and it still does...

so wow...that was a really long stream-of-consciousness thoughts...and all that to say this...i dont think there's a need for guilty feelings...as long as we are making disciples as we go...as we go through our lives...and i'm gonna go to help with the situation in sudan...

the dream center...

as part of our coursework and on-campus portion of this block of classes, we went to the dream center in l.a. yesterday...i didnt write about it yesterday because i wasnt sure exactly what i wanted to write...so i waited until today...and i'm still not sure if i really know what to write...i guess i would just say it was a powerful experience...so let me take a minute to explain a little about it for those of you who, like me about 2 months ago, had never heard of the dream center...

the dream center is a ministry in downtown los angeles that has many facets...it was started by a man named matthew barnett...dont know much about him...except that lately he has been written about in about every leadership magazine i have read...he's a pretty dynamic leader that has put together a team that, i would say, breaks all the rules...not very professional...not very polished...not very well-spoken...but quite obviously a thriving, powerful, blessed team of leaders that are leading this ministry...so here's what it is...at least some of it...they bought an old, abandoned hospital many years ago...housed there are several ministries...homeless youth shelter...youth addiciton recovery programs...adult addiction recovery programs...soup kitchen...second hand clothing store...food pantry...filipino homeless ministry...japanese ministries of all sorts...russian ministries...and on and on and on...seriously...

so yesterday was their worship service that we attended...there were about 1000 or so people there...and it happened to be the graduation service for their addiciton recovery program...for me...an eye opening experience...it reminded me of the stuff jim cymbala talks about in his books, pastor of the brooklyn tabernacle...lots and lots and lots of broken people...and that was the culture...exactly how i would describe it...a culture of brokenness...obvious prostitutes in the audience...cheering for the former prostitutes that were graduating...obvious pimps in the audience...why?...i dont know...really...havent figured that one out...but they were there...former pimps graduating from the program...a former pastor graduating from the program...he was addicted to porn and gambling...lots and lots of former drug addicts graduating...thieves...people with violent backgrounds...you name it...it was probably there...even a former cross dresser....graduating from an addicition to sex and abuse...he had the best line in his testimony..."i used to be a queen...a flaming queen...i'm thinking of writing a book now...i'm gonna call it 'from queen to the king'"...it was hilarious...but that wasn't all...in the mix of all of this was the "normal"...(actually, i think normal to them was prostitute and drug addict and queen...so we were probably the abnormal)...business people...parents...young mothers...families...worshipping...great worship...right next to...in front of...behind...around...these shattered ones...and seriously, seriously celebrating their recovery...

so needless to say...it was quite an experience...one that i will never forget....what will i do with it?...i dont know...thats kinda why i was waiting to write about it...but i still dont know...

what is the church...really...

this is the question we have been quarreling with all morning in class...wish i had something really profound to say...we've talked about the church as a body of believers...we've talked about how this body is supposed to relate and operate...we've talked about the work of the spirit in the church...we've talked about...get the picture?...we're doing a lot of talking...i guess what i would say about the whole thing is this...i am surprised by some of the things i am finding out i am doing right...i mean, i've known for a few years now that the typical way of doing church that i see so often...well, i just dont get it...and i definitely have felt (and i use that word with intention) that something is wrong...but i havent been able to put legs on it...and i dont really think that i still am able to do that adequately yet...but here's what i know...i have developed a vision for what i think my ministry should look like...and it includes many parts...but at the core of it is this...sunday mornings arent about us...they arent about getting...not even getting refueled...it should be about giving...giving reports from the field...giving advice and encouragement to those peers in the field...giving resources for the work being done in the field...giving praise to the lord...

i dont know...like i said...not totally developed...but i've kinda had this thing going on in the back of my head that says...dont disrupt...dont upset...dont challenge...dont....and inside there's this other voice saying...go...get out of here...and we'll see ya back next sunday for a full report of your work in the field...get back to work now...and we'll party again next sunday...go...go...go...get to work...

hmmm...even as i type that i think there are holes in it...but i feel it...a gathering of workers...celebrating/partying after a long week's work...

ok, well...so this book i just started reading...i havent gotten far...the lost message of jesus...but i sense it will help me develop this vision...i'll let you know...

updating the blog...
i've been working on this site tonight...its really pretty fun...and suprisingly relaxing...wish i had more time to do this when i'm at home...i find it kinda like a learning experience...

"the map" verse on the right here...love that one...its one that most christ-followers have heard a million times...so many deep truths in this verse...i dont wanna lose those in the frequency of its usage...truths like the fact that i am part of something so much bigger than right here right now...truth like the fact that sin entangles...truth like the fact that the race takes endurance...truth like the fact that my faith depends on jesus...totally depends on jesus...not on me...on jesus...

good truths...great to be reminded of them...

reaching your world for christ...

we oficially started our coursework today...there are four separate sections meeting right now for our summer blocks...and mine is entitled "reaching your world for christ"...at the introduction/orientation meeting this morning we were given the gift of a stack of books that go along with our sections...i have to admit...i was somewhat jealous of the books that one of the other sections was receiving...things like "worship evangelism" and "the emerging church"...lots of emergent stuff...that section is called "the bible and culture"...i guess my books will be good too...even though i haven't heard of a lot of them..."missions and the third millenium", "the younger evangelicals: facing the challenges of the new world", "paul's idea of community", and "changing the mind of missions"...among others...we'll see...

so today was good though. we had a guest presenter named dave thompson from harvest evangelism...told great stories about the importance of prayer in evangelism...shared really cool stories of awesome things happening in hawaii and argentina through evangelistic efforts begun with prayer...he also talked about the importance of praying for peace for others...underscored it with scripture...talked about how peace confuses the enemy...and how through our prayers of peace for others we can then have opportunity to share christ with them...good stuff...some of my classmates seemed to connect with the presenter and the info more than i think i did...i mean, it was good...but i kinda found myself watching my clock and losing focus at times...and then at the end of the day one lady was actually crying about how great she thought the stuff was...i definitely didnt connect that way...oh well...still good stuff...

tomorrow...barry mcmurtrie of crossroads christian church in corona, ca...gonna talk about church growth stuff...possibly some good stuff in that for me...apparently he is going to share some insight on typical stages of growth...difficulties at different stages of growth...and some of that stuff...he's a typical type a/ocd type...right down my alley...

tonight...reading, tv, and sleep...lots and lots of sleep

back to the books...

ok...so this is the second time i have written this post. i truly hate it when this happens...i write something that feels good and right...and then for some crazy reason...a reason that i dont understand but makes me want to launch my laptop into the next county...it gets lost and is just gone all the sudden. love it...really really love it! aaaahhhhh

I was just explaining that I am here in CA starting classes again at Hope International University. The last semester was a little rough...tough to get back into the swing of things with studying. Didn't do a great job of making reading and school work a priority. Gonna be different this time. I hope...

I was also explaining the title of the new blog. I have decided I am a wannabe. I know that initially probably conjurs up some negative images. It's never a good thing to be a wannabe...right? Well, I've decided that I will probably be a wannabe for my whole life. Right now I definitely am...I wanna be a person of faith...a real person of faith...not a person of religion...not a rejector of religion...not a spiritual fluffer...not an inconsistent, schizophrenic "Christian"...just a person of faith...someone who knows what he believes...someone who is moved to action by those beliefs...someone whose actions are consistent because his beliefs are consistent....someone who is consistently active. Probably not something I will ever fully attain in this life...probably gonna be that wannabe my whole life.

Also, I wonder a lot...I wonder about what it would be like to be poor...I wonder what it would be like to live in Sudan...I wonder what it would be like to be rich...I wonder what it would be like to be married...I wonder what it would be like to have kids...I wonder what it would be like to die...I wonder...about a lot of things...I just wonder a lot.

There it is...a wannabe's wonderings...guess we'll see what it becomes.